Profile Picture Don'ts : F*!k Car Selfies and a Tale of Two Francos

Pictures are the most important part of your online dating profile.

Allow me to demonstrate something:

  • Left: seared lamb belly with warm lentil salad, radicchio and rosemary
  • Right: a fucking Big Mac

There was a 3 hour wait to eat that lamb belly. I still have dreams about it. But if someone said "you can have one of these things for lunch, you choose." Do you know how many people would pick that brown sloppy mess? None. Why? Not because it isn't delicious, it's because that's a GARBAGE photo!!!

Pictures are the most important part of your profile. At the end of the day, online dating is an exercise in marketing and advertising. You are selling yourself to women and you have roughly 6 pictures, (but 80+% don't make it past the 1st picture, so really you have 1 picture) and 1 paragraph to do it. So if you notice you are being left on the shelf a lot, there's a better than good chance that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how fucking terrible you are at advertising yourself. 

40 million Americans use online dating apps, and 52.4% of them are men. This is a game folks, and if you want to win you have to play it better than the 21 million men you are competing against. 

There are some definite do's and don'ts for pictures. Here are some HARD don'ts, and to better demonstrate I'm going to use pictures of turbo babe James Franco. Why? Because if women would swipe left on James Franco for these types of pictures, you kind sir, do not stand a chance. 

Let us begin:


Tip #1: Keep your shirt on, Franco. 

There are several reasons for this. First, it's tacky and sleezy and it makes you look like a giant doucher. You might as well be holding a sign that says "Caution: unsolicited dick pics around the corner. Please slow down." Secondly, you have NO IDEA who you are up against. Seriously. There are dudes that are so crazy jacked that it seems probable that cotton simply gets shredded off their unbelievably cut bodies so that's why they never wear shirts.  Long story short, if you have a great body and want us to know - wear a t-shirt. We can tell. I promise. 


Tip #2: Hey Franco, step away from the mirror.  

Mirror selfies are not okay. Ever. If I can see the phone you are using to take the picture I will assume that you have zero friends because no one is taking pictures of you. Plus they are poorly lit and creepy. 


Tip #3: GET OUT OF THE CAR, Franco!

This is my own personal #1 pet peeve because I bet 1 out of 4 of you do it, if not more. They're never flattering and they're so dumb and so basic that you have to be pretty much a supermodel athlete for me to not swipe left. Is that the only time you are alone to take a selfie? And the under the chin angle??? Do you know how faces work?? No. No. No. No. 


Tip #4: Put the goddamn baby down, Franco!

Baby/toddler/kid pictures are not okay, unless it's your kid (in which case, thank you for saying you're a dad upfront). I don't know if there was a mass email that went out saying "post pictures of yourself with kids and women will think you'll be a great dad!" Nope. No. What we think is, "Oh. He's a single dad. Now I have to be a mom. Hmmm... too much work, I'm just going to date one of the 21 million other men out there where I don't have to face a lifetime of responsibility." We won't even make it to your profile that says "world's best uncle!" Just don't do it.


Tip #5: Get. Out. Of. Bed. Franco.



This one is less common, but not so uncommon that I don't see it every time I have a swipe session. It isn't sexy. It's gross and lazy. You aren't a model. This isn't an underwear shoot. If you want to get me in bed, get the fuck out of bed.


Tip #6: Hey, Franco? You's bein' a reeeeeaaaal basic bro.  


Blurry, bar, bro photo. All three are bad, all three together are unacceptable. 

Here's a quick list of other basic bro things that you might think are cool but they are super common and not cool:

  • Golfing pictures: you and your buddies care, we don't care. Advertise to your customers.
  • Car selfies. Worth reiterating. Hard no. 
  • Gym/crossfit/warrior race pictures. A dime a dozen and please refer to tip #1
  • Far away photos. I know what mountains look like.
  • Club photos. If I even think for a second you'll make me take a jaeger bomb, it's a left. 
  • Drinking a beer while wake boarding. No idea why this is so prevalent. You aren't unique. 
  • White sunglasses. Burn them. Trust me. 
  • Colorado Specific: holding a sign at the top of a 14'er. 


Long story short, it's all about the pictures. You don't have to be a stone cold fox to get a right swipe. But you do need to advertise yourself as an original, kind, attractive, fun person that is worth our time. If you need a little personal guidance, hit me up (*not a free service), I've helped several guys and yes, their matches went up significantly.


*Oh and stay tuned for the Photo Dos : Hero shots and Hey Boys. 

** The vast majority of the sample profiles were taken today during a 30 minute swipe sesh. Yes it's really that bad.