The Love Quiz: Your gut is a liar, trust the data.

Four years ago my bestie and I, fueled by pints of vodka, created the world's best relationship test. If you want to know about it's creation, history, and why it's so bomb - scroll below. If that seems like a lot of work and you just want to take the test - I'm not judging. But you are. Right now. When you take this test. *winking emoji 

We are all TERRIBLE at judging people.

Absolutely terrible. We swipe left on beautiful strangers and beautiful relationships all the time. Somehow we decided that mustaches/small boobs/stupid t-shirts/ comic books/ wearing too much makeup/wearing not enough makeup/not having a masters/having cats/dad jokes/flat asses/blank passports were deal breakers. You aren’t Jerry Seinfeld. She doesn’t have man hands. Give it a rest. 

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As a society (especially us single folks) we have ridiculous expectations and lack any sense of patience or compromise. We quit things before they even start, and we are lonely and disconnected.  Listen, I get it. I (along with every other straight woman, gay man, and anyone leaning in a particular way on the Kinsey scale) would like to run into a character that Ryan Gosling plays in a bar. I would like to have an evening chalked full of irresistible and witty banter which leads to phenomenal sex and emotionally vulnerable and sweet pillow talk. Then we walk his three legged rescue dog in the morning and eventually we start an international academy to teach girls in developing countries to be engineers. I. Want. This. Too. Trust. Me. 



But that shit isn’t real. Great dudes sometimes have moobs and are bad at texting, and most women have nipple hair. Deal with it. 

If you’ve ever had a crush on someone you work with or someone you went to school with - you know that crush took months and sometimes YEARS to develop. You might not have even noticed them the first time you met. It takes time to really get to know someone. Sometimes you gotta let that meat simmer before it can melt in your mouth (that sounds way gross. Also I’m a vegetarian who doesn’t really like food all that much - but I think meat melting is a relatable analogy?). So TRY and remember that when you are online dating. A little patience and acceptance will go a long way. 

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And let’s be clear, you don’t have to stop judging people, that would be insane, but you need to get BETTER at judging people. 

So how do I get better at judging people????? Funny you should ask… 

Let’s rewind four years. My best friend (love you Sarah) and I were 2-8 cocktails deep on our front porch when we started to talk about dudes and dating. We had both dated more than our fair share of men but were consistently single. We decided to take a lil’ peak into the mirror of self reflection and figure out why we picked not great guys. Turns out we were terrible at judging people. Being the big time nerds that we are we started compiling a list of criteria of what had made our past relationships successful or failures:

“Remember that guy I dated who had a DIY taxidermied lizard nailed up on his wall?”
“Ummmmm… At least he was hot???” 


“Oh god, remember that guy who sometimes introduced himself as James and other times as Trevor?”
“Yeah James was the one you wanted to bang and Trevor was the nerd who always wore pleated khakis.”

True. Stories. 

We took all of our crazy stories and made a list of 13 relationship criteria which, as far as I’m concerned, is fucking perfect. We decided to score each dude on a scale from 0-3 (no idea why 0 to 3. We were drunk. It felt natural) in each category. We went back and forth on whether categories should be weighted, surely “sex” is more important than “hobbies/interests/outlets”! But we realized that every one of these categories will be prioritized differently in different stages of life. Example: 23 year old Katie dated a Russian hippie alcoholic who lived in a shack and talked NONSTOP about building a hot tub both out of and filled with mud. 33 year old Katie is dating a man with a pocket square collection and he brings her homemade soup when she’s sick (Joe, you’re a babe). Priorities change. Categories are not weighted. 

We scored every guy we could think of, 1. because it was way fun and 2. because we started noticing trends. We started noticing different numbers correlated to the length of the relationship. We discovered that 27 was the heartbreak threshold. If a dude scored 27 or higher - that shit HURT when it was over. We later found that 33 is the marriage threshold (Sarah is now married. Her fella scored a 35 in month 2 of dating). We quizzed random strangers at bars and asked them to tell us nothing about their relationship until after the quiz. When someone scored a 33 or higher they were either waiting to propose, engaged, married or divorced to that person. Every. Single. Time.  

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We have shared this quiz with countless strangers and friends. They’ve shared it with strangers and friends. And now I’m going to share it with you. It’s legit. 

Why is it so legit?

Because when we are “falling in love” we are only looking at a few factors: Are they hot? Do I like spending time with them? Is there chemistry? Those three things are actually only TWO of the 13 categories. If you want to be in a healthy relationship - following your heart (which lives in your penis or vagina) is statistically pretty stupid. It’s 2018, in theory you can use data to make informed decisions.

That being said, the categories are broad. How you choose to read into them is up to you. If you score someone with all 3s, you are delusional or you don’t know them. I dated one guy for almost two years who scored 0’s in two categories. While I definitely wasn’t stoked on those 0’s, they were the price of admission (thank you Dan Savage). I was willing to pay that price to ride that ride. This allows you to think of someone holistically. Perhaps you should have a little more patience when you realize the chick you’re dating scores a 28 but she doesn’t really have a sense of adventure. You won’t find many 28s in your life, maybe you should just take your buddy skydiving and get over it? 

Another big reason this quiz seems to work is that we based it on COMPATIBILITY not perfection.  A perfect person doesn't exist. A perfect partner doesn't exist. If we are super lucky we can find someone that is compatible with us as a whole. Example: Sex. Super kinky and spontaneous sex 6 times a week could be a perfect 3 for one person and a 0 for another. A 3 doesn’t mean that your bedmate has an MFA in Kama Sutra, it means that your needs and desires (whatever that is to you) are being met on a regular basis. 

So… In the words of Jock Jams… Ya’ll ready for this? 

(You can take the quiz above or if you are a little more old school and want to pen and paper and math it up, feel free.)

The World's Best Love Quiz: 13 categories

By Drunk Sarah and Drunk Katie

  1. personality 
  2. sex 
  3. personal relationships 
  4. social life 
  5. hobbies/outlets 
  6. personal habits 
  7. career ambition 
  8. intelligence 
  9. communication 
  10. adventure 
  11. integrity 
  12. romance/butterflies 
  13. reciprocation 

Feel like we missed something? Hate it? Love it? Let me know in the comments section! 

Happy Swiping!