The REAL REASON NO ONE IS MATCHING WITH YOU.

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YOU AREN'T THIS GUY...

(BUT IF YOU ARE, COULD YOU GIVE YOUR DOG MY NUMBER?)

THIS IS A REAL SCREENSHOT - YOU'RE WELCOME.

 

LET'S CHAT...

MOST of you aren't bad doods. You really aren't. You aren't ugly or stupid or mean. What you are is really really REALLY bad at internet dating. The good news is, we can totally fix that.  

It's like when you first started banging, were you any good? No, not at all. But hopefully you figured out that if you got better at it (watch REAL lesbian porn and learn how to eat pussy and then do that at least twice as much as you thought was necessary), you would get to bang more. How did you get better at it? Practice and feedback. The bad news is, in the swiping era, you don't get any feedback. If you're bad at it, we just swipe left, or ghost, or unmatch or block. 

So on behalf of all the: Tinder, Bumble, Clover, POF, Match, OKCupid, The League, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, women out there - THIS IS YOUR FEEDBACK. I've put together some simple tips (which include real life examples i.e. screenshots) of how to not be total fucking trash at this stuff. 

Tip 1: STOP BEING SO FUCKING BORING. We match with thousands of you, literally, and 98% of you are different flavors of yoplait yogurt. I don't remember you, I don't crave you, and I certainly don't leave the house for you.